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J.D. Vance, A Classic Abuser?
Am I the only one seeing this?!
Trigger Warning: Discussion of domestic violence and sexual abuse.
I have learned a few things being a serial dater from way back. I’d like to say the first is “spotting an abuser,” but that would be a lie. I’ve been hoodwinked and bamboozled by at least one man who hid his past proclivities and never even hinted he’d ever hit me. After breaking off our engagement, the wife of one of his best friends (who I felt was like a sister to me), spilled the secret that his male friends had all kept and told me about instance after instance of my ex beating his first wife! I sat bewildered like the infamous Math Lady meme, replaying all our arguments and verbal spats.
So many of the anecdotes she related were familiar because he had regaled me with them, painting his ex as the violent one, long before we were dating, when we were just friends (after meeting when he was my boss).
Happening just before and around the passage of 1994’s Violence Against Women Act, polite, upwardly mobile folk just didn’t talk about these things, especially Black women proudly and newly married to physicians, like my “sister.” I recalled when the older, affluent couple met me, the wife and I got on like the chatty-Kathy’s we both are while the doctor, charmed though he was, seemed to be keenly taking my measure. I caught them both, at various times as I told some story in a candid and animated way, looking quietly bemused.
“Doctor J and I were just shocked that [my ex] had picked someone like you! He likes light-skinned women, for one thing. As soon as you went to the restroom we looked at each other and said, ‘He won’t be putting his hands on this one!’” my “sister” offered years later as part explanation for withholding vital info.
“You told us and we knew you could take care of yourself,” was the other part.
Sister said that my spectacular end to our engagement had given her joy untold and that she’d never believed his version of events even as she gave me space. She had been delighted and relieved when, after some time, I had…
