Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife “Christina” and I have a 13-year-old daughter, “Ruby.” When Ruby turned 13 earlier in the year, Christina gave her a diary for her birthday. However, she has what I think is an unreasonable condition on it: She requires Ruby to let her read it. When I told my wife this seems like a major violation of our daughter’s privacy, she said she just wants to make sure “everything is on the up and up.” I’m worried that this is going to foster a sense in Ruby that her mother doesn’t trust her and that it will affect their relationship. Christina mentioned the other day that Ruby hasn’t been writing in her diary as of late; I told her there was a good reason for it. Is there some way that I can convince my wife that she’s crossed an inappropriate boundary here?

—She’s Entitled to Her Own Private Thoughts

Dear She’s Entitled,

Your daughter, like everyone else, is entitled to a rich and private inner life. I know how hard it can be trying to communicate with a teenager, who really mostly wants to communicate with their friends and not you. And I get that snooping on your kid might seem like an easy shortcut to take when parenting feels really challenging. But there’s no actual substitute for getting to know them on their own terms, and learning to see and respect and treat them as increasingly independent human beings with their own lives. My rule with my kids’ journals is the same as my rule for their devices—I reserve the option to check on them if I have a reason to be concerned for their safety or wellbeing; barring that, they have a right to reasonable privacy.

Of course it’s not great if Ruby thinks her mother doesn’t trust her. But if you ask me, your wife should be even more concerned that she will lose her daughter’s trust. So much of our ability to help, support, and guide our kids, especially as they move through the fraught teenage years, depends on whether or not they actually feel they can talk to us about the important things. If Ruby already believes, at 13, that she needs to try to hide things from her mother—to the point of not even writing in her diary, because it’s not safe to do so!—I really don’t know how your wife can expect her to actually come to or confide in her when shit gets real—as it inevitably will. I think your wife should quit the diary-snooping, apologize, and focus on how she can start to win back your daughter’s trust.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have an 8-year-old son, “Isaiah.” He has a friend “Martin” who lives a few doors down. Now that summer is here, he’s frequently over there since we have a dog and Martin is allergic. The other day, I saw Isaiah counting his savings on his bed and noticed a $20 bill. He didn’t get it from his dad or me, so I asked him where it came from. The momentary look of guilt that flashed across his face told me something was up. I warned him he would be grounded if he didn’t immediately tell me where he got it. He confessed to taking it from Martin’s mother’s purse. I am friends with Martin’s mother, “Penny,” and learned from her the previous day that she was missing $20 and had grounded her older son “Stuart” for supposedly taking it. She said he denied it, but she didn’t believe him. Isaiah has lost his screen privileges for the summer as a result of what he did, but I am beyond embarrassed by his actions. Do I need to tell Penny what happened? Make Isaiah fess up? As much as I know what Isaiah did was wrong, I’m worried she might ban him from playing with Martin, and I don’t want to see him lose a close friend. What’s the right course of action here?

—Petty Larceny Predicament

Dear Petty Larceny Predicament,

This isn’t just having an impact on your own family, so you cannot simply deal with it within your own family and pretend that everything is settled. Stuart has been punished for something he didn’t do, and Penny now trusts her older son less than she once did. I understand that it will be terribly awkward and might affect Isaiah’s friendship with Martin, but I really don’t see how your son can take responsibility for his actions without, you know, actually taking responsibility for them. Isaiah needs to go to Penny, tell the truth, apologize, and accept the consequences.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband “Jack” and I each brought two kids to our marriage from prior ones. My kids are 5 and 7; my husband’s are 10 and 12. Jack’s mother “Patricia” lives on the other side of the country and has been lobbying to come for a weeklong visit. The catch is she wants my kids out of the house when she comes, as she is not fond of young children. Jack thinks this is a no-brainer: I can just have them stay with their dad while his mother is in town. As far as I’m concerned, if Patricia doesn’t like the idea of staying in a house with younger kids, she can get a hotel room. This is really becoming a sticking point between us. How do I convince my husband that it’s wrong for him to expect my kids to be displaced from their home for an entire week just because Patricia is too precious to deal with them?

—Not Kickin’ the Kids Out

Dear Not Kickin’ the Kids Out,

Obviously you are right, and Jack and his mother are wrong. I think it would be one thing if your kids wanted to avoid Patricia (as I would if I were them, to be frank) and voluntarily went to their dad’s, but if it’s not their usual week with him, they shouldn’t have to be removed from their home based on a cranky lady’s whims. That your husband doesn’t seem to understand this basic fact feels like a big red flag to me.

I would make sure Jack knows that this decision isn’t really about your kids or his mother; it’s about you and him and your family. Make it clear that you and he will not be okay if he tries to insist that his mother can displace your kids whenever she feels like it. Your children belong in your home as much as Jack’s do, and if Patricia doesn’t like it, as you said, she’s welcome to find other accommodations for her visit.

—Nicole

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I have been dating “Lynn” for about a year. She has an 11-year-son, “Mike,” who she was reluctant to introduce me to. We would only see each other when Mike was with his dad or grandma. Recently, their apartment complex needed serious repairs to its water and sewage lines. Lynn and Mike needed to stay a week somewhere else. Her mother was visiting relatives and her ex was out of town so Lynn asked if they could stay with me in my one-bedroom condo. I did not expect for Lynn and me to share the bed, so I bought an air mattress and figured that she and her son could switch off between that and the couch. That’s not what happened.

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