Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

My brother and I had babies seven months apart. My mother put $30,000 in a college account for my brother’s son, her first grandchild, shortly after he was born. She promised the same for our child. We opened a 529 college savings account and my husband suggested to my mother that she deposit $15,000 this year and then $15,000 next year, to help her avoid taxes. Which she agreed to do.

I ended up getting pregnant again very quickly and having a second baby this year. My brother’s wife is pregnant again, and now my other brother’s wife is also pregnant. In light of these new developments, my mother has reneged on her initial offer of an additional $15,000 for my daughter, but is offering $15,000 for our new baby’s college funds.

I understand her predicament, and my mother is not a rich woman by any means, just a hardworking nurse that was smart about her money. While I have never taken money from her—I left home at 16, worked throughout college, and have been entirely on my own financially—she has supported my brother quite a bit through the years. He lived with her until 26, working on and off, while he took the long route through college, before finally leaving the nest. Then she paid for expensive fertility treatments for his family as they tried to conceive—treatments that cost tens of thousands of dollars.

While I have never wanted handouts from her, I can’t help but be bothered by the fact that our attempt at saving her money in taxes has cost my oldest $15,000 in college savings. There is the additional factor that my brother has a son (with a second son on the way), and I have had daughters. In her culture, the firstborn grandson is traditionally favored much more than the other children, and boys in general are more celebrated. While I’m grateful to my mom for her generosity—she does not owe us this money, and I know we are lucky to have it—I can’t help but feel irritated at the disparity, and the fact that our attempt to do something good has cost my daughter education funding. I don’t want this to come between me and my brother, as we are close. I’d love some perspective to help me feel less annoyed.

—No Good Deed Going Unpunished

Dear No Good Deed,

I think you’re looking at this the wrong way. Your attempt at saving money didn’t cost you money in college savings; the needs of your siblings and their children did—and they shouldn’t be faulted for that. Your mother did not know, when your brother had her first grandchild, that there would be more on the way, or how and when they would be spaced apart. She had no way of knowing that.

I also think you may be attributing more of your situation to gender bias than is warranted. Is there any evidence that if your brother’s firstborn was a daughter, the situation would be any different?

The reality is that when parents make promises to support their grandchildren in this way, before any grandchildren are born, they can only estimate what the outlay is going to be and how it’s going to occur. Your brother benefited from his timing, but there’s no evidence that your mother is being unfair. She doesn’t owe any of you help with your children’s college finances. Her contributions are a gift, not fulfillment of an IOU.

And this absolutely should not come between you and your brother because, to put it bluntly, your brother did nothing wrong. If it hurts your relationship, you can only blame yourself. It’s understandable that you’re disappointed that your children will not see the same benefit your brother’s eldest will, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is trying to shortchange you.

There are always going to be certain disparities in how parents treat their children individually, most of them unintentional. It does no good to keep score, and in all likelihood, you and your siblings treat your parents differently, too. I don’t think you want your mom keeping score on that front either, so I think the best course of action is to be grateful for her generosity and write off your brother’s additional windfall as a consequence of timing—because it is.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: Our Family Just Had a Major Financial Shock. Do We Have to Tell Our Kids? (Feb. 17th, 2022.)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My parents did not save any money for my education, and they seem to blow any money they have saved on plastic surgery and designer bags. My country’s education system is extremely poor, and I have dreams of going abroad to escape the poverty-stricken lifestyle here. I have had that plan since I was 10, and I keep bugging my parents about my college funds. They always told me that there was no need, and that they had enough money to shell out when the time comes.

I’m graduating in under a year, and time is shrinking. I realize now that the plan I’ve been manifesting since such a young age is impossible. The education system I have does not provide examinations like SATS, IGCSEs, or A-Levels unless paid for separately from the school fees.

I don’t know what to do, because I haven’t prepared for this situation due to the constant reassurance of “everything will be fine.” I don’t even know how I’m going to get into university in my country, because I have never set my sights there, and so I don’t know what’s required. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, and truly I’m way in over my head.

—So Disappointed, and Rethinking Everything

Dear Disappointed, 

I am sorry your parents have promised you one thing and have in reality done another. Our parents are human, and sometimes they make selfish choices without thinking of how they affect their children. I think you may have to put your (justified!) anger at them aside in order to move forward with this plan, at this point. You figured out a little late in the day that they truly won’t help you, but you still have time, especially if you’re willing to work for a while in between high school and college.

It’s a little hard for me to say how you can finance your education and come to the US, since I do not know where your home country is, but we have a few options you can look into. First, you must apply and be accepted to a school that is a part of the Student and Exchange Visitor Program, otherwise known as SEVP. The U.S Department of Homeland Security created the SEVP to allow students based outside of the U.S a way to ensure they are receiving a quality education from an accredited school. Once a student has been accepted, they can then file for a student visa. Most visas for educational purposes are F-1.

While you cannot receive federal funding from the American government to help aid your educational pursuits, you can still qualify for scholarships, private loans and any other type of funding your country, or SEVP-approved school, may have. EducationUSA is also an important resource. With over 430 advising organizations in over 175 countries, EducationUSA is a network provided by the US Department of State that offers step-by-step guidance to make your dream a reality. Organizations in this network can also help pay for fees for tests like the ones you mentioned above. Good luck.

—Athena Valentine

From: My Parents Blew My College Money On Plastic Surgery. (February 22th, 2022).

More Money Advice From Slate

I struggled early in my career, due to a shrinking industry and back-to-back layoffs. I’ve come to terms with it and have altered my goals, based on where I’ve landed. My younger sister has flourished in a related industry to where I started out. She landed her dream job immediately after graduating, at a famous company. Since, she’s been promoted and works on glamorous projects. She deserves her success. But every time we’re together, I leave despondent after listening to her constant stories, and recommendations to consume her company’s products. I appreciate that she is proud, but I’ve told her in the past that it can be difficult for me to hear play-by-plays of her work life. My sister does not take criticism well.

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