How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

My wife gives the best blow jobs I’ve ever had, save one thing.

She refuses to swallow. I find this interruption to be an absolute mood killer. Can you offer some advice on a good way to convince her how important it is for me to have the complete experience? Or is there some other finish that might feel as satisfying?

—Just Shy of Perfection

Dear Just Shy of Perfection,

Your wife is probably well aware that you feel having your semen swallowed is necessary for “the complete experience.” What you’re probably running into is the fact that she’s got her own feelings, boundaries, and preferences. Depending on how much circular discussion or even argument has already taken place, you might be able to inquire about why she refuses to swallow and look for wiggle room there. Maybe your taste is strong or your texture is chunky—in that case, better hydration on your part or a trip to a urologist would be worth trying. Maybe she feels demeaned by the act. If so, consider whether other areas of your relationship cause her to feel less than respected. Perhaps swallowing makes her feel nauseous for several hours afterwards, in which case you might arrive at a very reasonable conclusion that your utterly perfect blowjob denouement isn’t worth your wife spending half of the next day trying not to vomit. We need more information to figure out whether there are workable compromises.

As for what might work as well for you as having your splooge consumed does, I’d also need more information there. What is it about swallowing that makes you so happy? Write an ode to oral consumption of the product of your bollocks. Zero in on what it does for you. Then, ideally, while taking what your wife doesn’t want into consideration, think of ideas for what you can try. The more you approach this as a collaborative endeavor, in which the needs and comfort levels of all parties are important, the greater your chance of success. Good luck.

—Jessica

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