Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Let me preface this by saying that my parents have had an incredibly trying year. My eldest brother passed away last year after having many health issues. They are (of their own accord) downsizing their house to retire to a town they love nearby. We live about an hour’s drive from them—an easy drive, yes, but not easy in terms of, say, popping over in the evening on a whim.

They are both in their late 60s and in very good health. My mom wants to spend more time with my two kids; she expresses that wish often. We would love that too. They are wonderful grandparents, although we sometimes butt heads in a minor way over parenting. The real problem is that my mom will mention wanting and planning to do something in front of the kids, and then won’t follow through. This can be anything: a simple near-future visit with us, a trip to the park, having the kids stay overnight at their house, or taking them somewhere. I believe she wants to do these things, but when I say, “Great! Let’s pick a date and time!” she hems and haws, talks about how busy she is, what with selling the house or her volunteer commitments, or says it’s just not the right time … and the plans never get made.

My eldest, in first grade, cried this week because he hadn’t slept over at Grandma and Grandpa’s, the way Grandma had talked about. He’s also said that Grandma and Grandpa told him they’re going to take him ice skating, but no plans to actually do this have been made. I can’t figure out the way forward. Tell them to stop talking to my kids about plans they won’t honor? Put my son on the phone with them when he’s crying? Somehow force them to follow through? I don’t want to mention that they see my sister’s kids (who live 20 minutes from them) every week, but the difference irks me.

—Frustrated Daughter/Mom

Dear Frustrated,

For starters, do tell them not to talk about plans they’re not going to follow through on. Let them know how disappointed and hurt the kids are when this happens. Do it nicely, though. Don’t scold them. Just say, “Let’s hold off on talking about something you want to do with the kids—whether it’s a sleepover at your house, a visit with us, or a special outing—until you have a concrete plan for it. It’s hard for them to understand that you’re just thinking aloud, or talking about something you’d like to do but don’t have time for right now—they’re just kids, and they take it as a promise and then get disappointed and upset.”

I’m not at all confident that this will work, but I still think it’s worth a try—mostly because you should call them on what they’re doing. It’s something people do all the time, with other adults (“We should have lunch sometime!” “Definitely want to get together, let’s do it soon,” without making a plan then and there to do it). We do this when we’re not in fact all that enthusiastic about getting together. Usually, it’s not that we hate the idea or dread seeing these acquaintances, just that it’s not a priority, at least not right now. I think that’s the case with your parents (and yes, I’m sorry to say that). But you don’t have to point that out. You only have to let them know, subtly, that you’re not going to stand for this where your kids are concerned.

But I’ll tell you the truth: I don’t think it’s only your kids’ feelings you’re upset about. I think you’re angry that spending time with your kids isn’t a priority for them, and that they make time for your sister’s kids. I don’t know how it worked out that she lives so much nearer to them than you do (did she stay in your hometown? Did she move to be near them? Did she and/or her partner just happen to get jobs nearby? Did your parents move, years ago, to be near her once she had kids?) but it’s much easier for them to see that set of grandchildren. That’s how it goes. Reading between the lines (they’re only in their late 60s and in good health, you point out; it’s an easy drive—and so on), it seems pretty clear to me that you’re aggrieved. I’m not judging you for it—I just want you to be honest with yourself about it.

Your mom expressing that she wants to spend time with your kids and making something happen that is well within her power are very different things. When taking your kids ice skating becomes a priority to her and your dad, they will. If it will make you feel better to directly call out your parents on what they say versus what they do, then go ahead.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for about six months, and we have talked about forging a life together. I was fully aware that once a year, she goes hunting with her dad as a bonding experience; her screensaver is her with a deer she killed. I’m not a tree-hugger or animal-rights person—I eat meat and have no problem with the food processing industry—but I abhor wanton cruelty. I feel that exterminating a large, defenseless mammal for the simple pleasure of it is cruel. I think it borders on evil. I asked her from the start to keep that part of her life to herself.

This past Thanksgiving, she texted me from the hunting lodge to tell me that she was “super pumped” after killing a deer with a beautiful frame, and said she would spend the rest of her day “chilling and drinking.” When I asked her why she’d told me this when I had asked her not to share the details of this sort of thing, she said she was too excited not to share. I had a visceral response to that, and we’ve been having major arguments since. I’ve told her I don’t understand how an otherwise wonderful woman (she works in health care—she helps patients every day) can be so cruel. It’s unfathomable to me that she gets off doing this. She has even told me she doesn’t feel bad watching a deer writhing and bleeding out as it dies at her feet before she poses for the picture that is always taken.

I have nightmares that feature her enjoying taking a life so gleefully. She has reminded me that this is only once a year, and a way to spend time with her dad. She’s a city slicker and started killing deer only four years ago: She used to just accompany her father. He never asked her to shoot, but eventually she asked to. She says that she has come to really enjoy it, won’t stop doing it, and doesn’t know what else to tell me

I’ve told her that if I found out that something I did was so upsetting to my partner to the point of interfering with sleep or appetite (I’ve lost weight over this!), I would try to validate those feelings and find a way to curtail the damage I was causing, and that “I don’t know what to say,” or “Deal with it” seems inappropriate and selfish. I have asked her if maybe after our engagement she can stop (it would be OK with me if she still went with her dad, as long as she wasn’t doing the killing) or at least do it less frequently (every other year? every few years?) as a gesture of respect and love, but she doesn’t want to stop. We are trying to work through this, but are getting nowhere. In all other aspects, she remains caring and loving. Is this relationship workable? Am I wrong for requesting a gesture of solidarity for something I find repulsive?

—Killing Deer and Feelings

Dear Deer,

I’m afraid you and your otherwise wonderful girlfriend are incompatible. If something she loves to do and plans to continue to do is so repellent to you that the very thought of her doing it causes you to lose weight and lose sleep, there is no working it out.

Relationships are built on many pillars, and I get that you feel that most of yours are steady and strong, but two of the most significant ones are mutual respect and empathy, and around the issue of her hunting, these are missing. You don’t respect her thrill and joy over the kill (full disclosure: I don’t either, but that’s beside the point), and you say yourself her feelings about this are “unfathomable.” She doesn’t respect your discomfort, much less your horror, and these feelings of yours don’t seem to matter to her.

Even though you claim that everything else is perfect, you’ve been together for only a few months. I’d bet the ranch (if I had a ranch; I’m a city slicker too) that this issue will eventually turn out to be just the beginning of something much deeper. If I were you, I’d cut my losses now. It will only get harder as time passes. You two don’t belong together.

❄️ ☃️ Need Advice? ☃️ ❄️

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Jill,” and I have an 8-year-old daughter, “Anna” (we also have an older son, but he’s not relevant for this question). Anna can be really particular about certain sensations, and one thing she hates is having her hair brushed. She has somewhat thick, wavy hair that currently reaches down to the small of her back. Both Jill and I brush it regularly, and she hates it. It’s often a battle to do it. She gets upset; my wife and I get frustrated. We’re trying to find ways to make the hair-brushing fun, and some of the need for brushing can apparently be mitigated by particular ways of doing her hair, which we do whenever we can, but it’s still a very difficult part of our routine.

Anna can be particular in other ways, but other routine activities she dislikes—brushing/flossing her teeth, wearing her glasses sometimes, or wearing a coat in the winter—are non-negotiable. With her hair, though, it feels like there are two straightforward solutions: either we teach Anna to brush it herself, or she gets a shorter haircut. Anna is against cutting her hair shorter, though not so strongly against it that I think it would be an issue for her, and she’s indifferent but open to learning to brush it herself. I’m confident that, knowing how she operates, we could get her excited about learning to do it on her own.

Jill, however, is firmly against cutting Anna’s hair short—she says it wouldn’t look good on her—and she is convinced that Anna’s hair is too complicated for her to manage on her own at her age. She doesn’t trust that Anna is responsible enough to brush it properly. I’m not convinced. Anna has shown responsibility beyond what I’d expect for her age in other areas. I feel like by refusing to entertain these other options, Jill is setting all three of us up for yet another daily struggle when there seem to be easier solutions available.

—How Do We Figure This Out?

Dear Figure,

First: It doesn’t sound to me as if Anna is “particular.” She may have sensory-processing issues, and I urge you to have her evaluated professionally. When it comes to hair-brushing and the sensory problems that can come up around it, there are a lot of resources available (here’s just one of the many I found online). I urge you to rethink the way you’ve been describing Anna’s difficulties to yourself; reframing them will help you help her.

But I do mean to address the specific matter of her hair, and her mom’s strong feelings about it. Can you have a conversation with Jill (it would have to be a very cautious and gentle one!) about her issues? If Anna doesn’t object to having her hair cut (are you sure? Being against it, but not “strongly” against it, doesn’t seem so convincing to me), then her mom’s insistence that it wouldn’t look good—given the daily struggle with Anna’s long hair—seems not just counterproductive but downright obstructionist. I’m no psychotherapist, but this seems controlling—as does her insistence that Anna can’t possibly take care of her own hair (and what’s the downside of letting her try and seeing how that goes?). If Anna’s long hair needs to be brushed daily, and Anna can’t bear having her parents do it, two reasonable options are the ones you mention: cut it off, or have her brush it herself. If I were you, I’d try the latter first, then (if Anna really is OK with it) the former. (I stress Anna’s agreement for a deeply personal reason: My long, thick, easily tangled hair was cut against my wishes when I was a child, because it was so hard to take care of, and I was enormously upset about it.)

Speaking of my hair: I wish I’d known (and that my parents had known) that hair like mine doesn’t need to be brushed at all. Perhaps Anna’s hair is like this? Curly or wavy hair benefits from a routine of detangling wet, with lots of conditioner, making it easy for fingers to work through the tangles and unfurl them. Then the clean, untangled, thoroughly tamed hair is rinsed, a good curly/wavy product is applied, and the hair is “scrunched,” then left to dry. Each day, all that’s needed is a good shake and the light touch of one’s own hands. It’s worth a try. There are a million written step-by-step and video tutorials online (here’s one written-out one), and an ever-growing number of products designed for wavy or curly hair. I like Jessicurl and Ouidad, myself.

So the bottom line, when it comes to the matter of Anna’s hair, is that I’d try the non-brushing method first and see how that works out for her and her hair, then if that doesn’t work—if her hair is not in fact wavy—try letting her brush her own hair, and as a last resort, cutting it. But while you’re solving this problem, please don’t let the big picture remain cloudy. Anna is likely to need help overall with a constellation of issues around what things feel like (and perhaps sound and smell like, too).

—Michelle

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