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Dear Prudence,

It’s been seven years since we were with my family on Christmas Day. Two of those years we were hunkered down at home with a newborn/about to give birth. The other five years we have spent with my husband’s family. My father-in-law has been terminally ill for 12 years, and it’s a miracle that he has lived this long. We’ve truly thought that every year has been his last Christmas, but this year, I really think it’s his last. We will celebrate with them this year, which I am, of course, happy to do.

Given that next year, though, circumstances will most likely be different, I am wondering about how to get us into a rhythm of trading off visits to our families every other year. My sister and her kids will be visiting from overseas, so I really want to be with my family. It will most likely be my mother-in-law’s (and my brother-in-law and husband’s) first Christmas without their patriarch. What would you recommend I do in this scenario? I am seeing my mom’s memory starting to slip, and her handwriting is seeming off, so it feels like we don’t have that many more Christmases left with her in her right mind. I’m starting to feel resentful of time lost and the imbalance. I just want harmony and balance.

—Hopeful for Balance

Dear Hopeful for Balance, 

You sound like a super thoughtful person with completely reasonable desires. Reading your letter convinced me that you care about fairness to your husband and his family, and also really feel pulled to spend meaningful time with your mom.

I’m sincerely confused about why you haven’t just talked to him about exactly what you wrote in your letter. I’m dealing with that confusion by speculating: Could it be that he’s the kind of person who makes any request related to your happiness seem unreasonable? Does he treat you like an adversary? Is he obsessed with ensuring that you don’t have more of anything (time with your family, holidays planned according to your wishes, consideration of your emotions) than he does? Does he constantly keep score and accuse you of somehow getting one over on him when you make a decision that works for you?

Or is your husband pretty reasonable, but you “just want harmony” so much that you’re afraid to make a request that could cause even the tiniest whiff of tension? Are you someone who feels most comfortable when you’re pretending you don’t have any needs or preferences? Does part of you—maybe because of the way you were raised or your past relationships—believe that asking for any little change in your relationship is equivalent to nagging or picking a fight? Do you worry he won’t love you anymore if you don’t put him first 100 percent of the time?

It’s not too difficult to figure out what to say to him. Something like this would work fine: “So, I was thinking, my mom is really declining, and I want to spend time with her next holiday season. I hope your dad is still here, and if he is, maybe we could see our parents separately and then celebrate together early or late. Then, at some point down the line, I’d like it if we could switch who we spend the holidays with every year. We don’t have to decide right now, but I just wanted to plant the seed since I’ve been so sad about the limited time I might have to make memories with my mom before her memory slips a lot more. What do you think?”

Holiday logistics are always a little bit tough to manage, but I don’t see your situation as unusually challenging or problematic. However, the feeling that’s making you uneasy about sharing your feelings with your husband might be the real problem.

Dear Prudence,

My sister is getting married early next spring, and we’ll be planning a shower for her after the holidays. She’s been hinting that she would like a surprise bridal shower, which is a tradition in our extended family.

The thing is, her fiancé comes from a culture where start times are considered general guidelines. They usually show up somewhere between 15 minutes and two hours late for events. This isn’t usually a problem, but it might make things tricky for a surprise party. It will kind of spoil the surprise if the groom’s cousins are walking in at the same time as my sister.

I’ve considered telling them that the party will start at the time that my sister is expected to arrive, and then they’ll all trickle in after the rest of us have surprised her, but that feels a little rude. The other option I’ve thought of is to enlist my brother-in-law-to-be to try to get everyone here on time, but that seems like a big ask and probably won’t work with anyone outside of his immediate family. Would it be OK to give his family a later start time than my sister’s friends and our extended family? Should we rethink the surprise party? Is there another option that I’m not considering?

—Party Planner

Dear Party Planner,

Here’s the plan:

• The party starts at 1 p.m. (because even people who aren’t chronically late need some wiggle room and time to find parking).

• Your sister arrives at 2 p.m.

• Collect phone numbers of all guests or use an invitation app that lets you message everyone at once. The invitation should specify that anyone who is running late and is not inside the venue at 1:45 p.m. should stay away until you send a text notifying them that your sister has arrived and been surprised.

• Send a text the morning of the event with a reminder about this rule.

If her fiancé’s extended family trickles in long after her blindfold has been removed, they’ll still be a part of the celebration—and your sister will still get to enjoy her big surprise.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

I moved into my family-owned apartment nearly two years ago. My brother had been living in it before me. He allowed a friend of his to use our apartment storage unit while she traveled. She’s never picked up her two huge boxes of things—some clothes, shoes, and kitchen items. I asked him, and he said she has nothing left in the unit. I don’t know her or have her contact information. Can I donate the items, or do I have to ask him again to contact the friend?

—Need to Store My Own Things

Dear Need to Store My Own Things,

If you have the friend’s information, it would be nice to reach out and say, “I’m donating all the stuff that was left in the closet here the day after Christmas. My brother said none of it was yours, but I thought I’d check just to make sure. If it is yours, I’ll hold on to it until the 23rd so you can come get it.”

If you’re not already in touch with her, you’re free to make a Goodwill drop-off immediately. Enjoy your new closet space!

Classic Prudie

I have a question about handling something that is both great and annoying. My husband is a big believer in “only touch it once” (known to some as OTIO). His baseline philosophy is that he tries to solve problems or deal with papers immediately. So, if he is opening mail to deal with bills he has his checkbook next to him, he writes the check, stuffs and seals the envelope, stamps the envelope, and sets the envelope aside before he opens the next piece of mail…

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