Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I did not wake up this morning expecting to defend the concept of sanitation to another adult, and yet here we are. My husband apparently believes it is perfectly acceptable—reasonable, even—to use the bathroom toilet plunger in the kitchen sink without washing it first. Not a new plunger. Not a “sink-only” plunger. The plunger. The one whose sole purpose in life is to do battle with human waste.

His argument is that “it’s fine,” “it’s basically clean,” and my personal favorite, “it’s just water.” I would like to note that toilets are also “just water,” and we as a society have made some very clear decisions about what happens in them and where.

When I expressed concern about fecal bacteria—E. coli, salmonella, the invisible horrors we cannot see but absolutely exist—he accused me of being dramatic. Dramatic. As if avoiding cross-contamination is a personality quirk rather than the foundation of modern public health. I tried logic. I tried to explain calmly. I tried saying the words “food safety” out loud like a spell. None of this worked. He maintains that plungers are neutral objects whose past sins are washed away by a quick rinse and vibes.

Prudence, I now find myself spiraling. If the plunger can visit the kitchen sink, what else is negotiable? Is the toilet brush next? Are we rinsing colanders in the bathtub? Will I one day come home to find raw chicken defrosting in the shower because “it all goes to the same pipes”? I am not asking for much. I am asking for a single, firm boundary between where we prepare food and where we confront human excrement. I do not think this is elitist. I do not think this is fussy. I think this is the thin line separating civilization from raccoons.

Am I being unreasonable for insisting that toilet tools remain in the bathroom—or do I need to buy a second plunger, label one “POOP ONLY” in permanent marker, and store it like a radioactive artifact? Please advise before I start bleaching the kitchen sink while making direct, unblinking eye contact with my husband.

—A Woman Standing Guard

Dear Standing Guard,

You’re already (appropriately) alarmed so I don’t want to make things any worse but I have to tell you: Your husband probably doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom. He probably believes raw chicken juice can be dispatched with a quick wipe with a dry paper towel. And I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that there’s some corner near his side of the bed or office where he stores all his boogers. The belief that a plunger that has been in the toilet is fine to put in the kitchen sink isn’t a one-off thing. It’s a symptom of, well, being gross. I don’t know how you fix him or convince him to value being sanitary. But I can tell you that you’re right and not overreacting. And for now, I think you should go to your local hardware store and ask them for the tools and supplies to chain the bathroom plunger to the toilet so you never have to have this disgusting debate again.

Dear Prudence,

My wife, “Angela,” cannot be on time for anything to save her life. Last weekend we were supposed to go see a movie with the kids, but true to form, Angela got up less than an hour before the movie was to start. The kids were getting upset over missing it, so I took them to the movie and left my wife at home. More than halfway through the movie, I got a text from Angela asking where we all were (she had just gotten out of the shower!). Now she’s pissed at me for leaving her behind. I think this is a good lesson for her to learn about being more considerate of others. I’m in the right here, aren’t I?

—Putting My Foot Down on Procrastination

Dear Foot Down,

Yes and no. You were right to take the kids and get them to the movie. That absolutely made sense. But I have to say, I don’t love your reasoning. I would have hoped that you would have left the house on time because you wanted to be on time, not to teach your wife a lesson about being considerate. I would have also hoped that because the decision was made to get the kids popcorn and get them in their seats, not to make Angela so upset that she’d never be late again, you would have texted her to let her know you were taking off. That’s common courtesy.

Instead, you intentionally did something to piss her off. I don’t like that. She’s not an adversary. She’s not your child who needs to learn about natural consequences. She’s someone who—at least theoretically—is on your team. Yes, she’s being a bad teammate by being late all the time, but the solution isn’t to retaliate against her.

I know, I know. The lateness is infuriating. And I’m all for you doing what you need to do to get places on time. But Angela’s lateness probably has a root cause that’s more complicated than simply being inconsiderate (cue 40 comments suggesting an adult ADHD evaluation). Whatever is causing it, getting left behind once won’t change her. Even if it felt really good to you.

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Dear Prudence,

I’ve been a member of a climbing gym for about three years, but I don’t really climb. I’ve almost exclusively used the gym to access group training classes led by “Kelsey.” There is a group of maybe 20 regulars who rotate through her classes during the week, and spots are limited so there is almost always a waitlist.

The thing is, Kelsey isn’t a great trainer. She knows her stuff and is very strong herself, but she basically writes a workout on the board and then films herself working out for social media. It’s more like we’re doing a curated workout alongside her without almost any kind of coaching or guidance. She sometimes demonstrates form, and I will say she intervenes if someone is going to hurt themselves. So not terrible, just not great, and the “small group coaching” feels like false advertising. I’ve seen so many people come and go through the years, so excited to finally get into Kelsey’s famous lifting classes just to be kind of disappointed and embarrassed about floundering around without help. Kelsey is a charismatic person and many people feel drawn to her, but I’ve always found her to be fairly self-centered and hard to connect with. Definitely not a supportive coach-like figure. (For context, I am also a woman, so no misogynistic, impossible-to-achieve standards here.)

Until recently, our town didn’t have another good lifting gym, but a new one just opened up, and I decided to switch my membership. I’ve been asked to provide feedback on why I’m leaving and I wonder if it’s worth being honest. If I were, I would say that my membership was priced to deliver more of a hands-on coaching experience and a community feel, and Kelsey was not able to deliver on either of those. I was having a big box gym experience at a small expensive boutique gym, so I decided to just save some money and start going to the big box gym. Do you think I should let them know I feel this way or should I just decline to give feedback?

—Gym Snitch

Dear Gym Snitch,

I’m very confused about why you joined a climbing gym specifically to take a non-climbing group fitness class that you think is subpar. But whatever the reason, it’s fine to share your feedback. You can do this without using Kelsey’s name or enumerating her shortcomings. Simply say you’re leaving because you want more hands-on coaching and interaction from instructors.

Classic Prudie

What is the current policy on allowing young children to urinate in public parks? I let my 3-year-old son pee in a park recently, in a secluded spot among some bushes, and another adult said, “That’s disgusting!” (to her partner, but really for me to overhear). I used to pee in urban parks all the time as a child, but it seems to have gone out of fashion. Plus, this park is overrun by dogs every morning and evening, all of whom urinate wherever they see fit. What’s the difference?

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