Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.
Hey Prudence,
Re Art Lover: As a painter myself, I go through periods where I paint daily for months, then nothing for years. What happened may have dried the well, so to speak, but insisting he just turn it back on won’t work (we wish!).
If you want to help now, encourage him to join a community class. Maybe a painting one, but just one in general would help just as much. He needs his confidence built back up more than anything. And I will caution you against trying to make what is an enjoyable hobby for him into some money/community thing unless he is the one saying he wants to do this.
So many people have stolen the joy of painting for me by requesting free pieces, insisting I keep going when I’m exhausted, signing me up to teach others how to paint, and just generally not understanding I’m a person, not a machine. It can make a form of escape feel like a prison very fast.
—Sparkles
I definitely agree that trying to force him do anything—especially when he’s in a vulnerable state—will backfire.
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Hey Prudence,
Re Art Lover: I wanted to share a story. My significant other made a documentary about his great uncle, Hank Virgona, and how Hank was an artist who was unwavering in his commitment to his art right up until he passed. One of the coolest things he did was subway portraits.
He would ride the subway and get inspired. He’d do quick sketches of people and capture the essence of who they were in that moment. He’d sometimes give those sketches to the people, but often he’d bring them back to his studio to keep developing them. His works were displayed at the New York Transit Museum, as well as other places. Hank wasn’t a well-known artist, even though his works were seen all over, but he made art for himself. Money, fame, and accolades were all secondary to him.
I’m sharing this because I want Art Lover’s dad to know that his work is important. There will always be critics, but there will be so many more who love and appreciate what he’s done. And not only that, what matters is how creating the art made HIM feel. If he felt good and it was helping him, then he should keep going. He deserves to be able to create things that bring him joy and may one day bring joy to others.
—Keep Making Art
Hank had life figured out! And I agree with your advice. I hope I didn’t give the impression that I thought the dad should quit his art. I really wanted the letter writer to help him get to a point where he felt ready to paint again, rather than forcing or lecturing him into doing it.
Hey Prudence,
Re Art Lover: If your dad is open to joining a local seniors (or general!) painting group or life drawing group that meets regularly, maybe try to get him to attend and see what happens. There may be a local society for his preferred medium (watercolor, oils, etc.).
If you have time and don’t judge yourself too harshly, go on some weekend outings and sketch or paint together. Try to get to make new memories and have fresh experiences. Go gently, take your time, and see what happens. My guess is that he may not return to painting the same views he did before, but he may well find other approaches that bring him similar joy.
—Here Be Dragees
A local painting group would be great. Maybe he could even hear about some of his peers’ experiences with critics and be reminded that there can be more art to be made on the other side of negative comments.
Hey Prudence,
Re Sad Sister: Some families are complicated, and the fallout sometimes takes generations to clear up.
Rather than bond over this complicated grief, why not bond over moments of shared happiness? Is there a special treat she always liked, a certain recipe she enjoyed, etc.? Can you send pictures of something comforting and say, “Saw this, thought of you”? Maybe you can send her a small care package of “little stuff I thought you might like” (nice smells, warm drinks, etc.).
Bond over the good stuff that has nothing to do with family memories. The difficult stuff has to work its way out on its own, but being a source of comfort (even if it does not seem “related”) is immeasurable.
—Emily in VA
What a nice (and smart) idea. I hope the letter writer sees this.
Hey Prudence,
Re Sad Sister: I suspect Sonya is experiencing the uncomfortable combination of both grief and relief. It’s hard to talk about, because a lot of shame goes along with the relief. However, no rule says you have to talk about your feelings or express them to others. If you see her obviously in distress or behaving self-destructively, then express your concern. But don’t try to butt in and force her to process her feelings.
—Umiel
This is true. It’s definitely important to remember that everyone grieves differently.
Hey Prudence,
Re Look But Don’t Touch: The wife needs a fidget toy. Playing with random items seems like stimming. (Keeping them afterward is odd, though it doesn’t sound like she’s doing it on purpose.) If she has her own fidget toy then she won’t need to play with ornaments, salt shakers etc and won’t accidentally steal them.
—SherryMuffin
It couldn’t hurt!
Classic Prudie
I have had a good friend for many, many years who I met at work. During that time, I dated a few guys, ultimately married and had children (she was already married with children of her own). We no longer work together. When I met my now-husband, she and her husband were going through a rough patch. He said some mean things to her, she came to my house crying, and my husband heard the comments. They have since reconciled. I enjoy our Girls’ Nights with her, but she has always insisted on double dates (with my exes and now my husband). The problem is my husband cannot stand her husband, and I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual…