Ghosting, lying, refusing to commit — we regularly hear horror stories from women on the dating frontline, but are men having just as rough a time on the other side? We asked 12 men of all ages to share their unvarnished experiences of looking for love. It seems like it’s a jungle out there for everyone.
She spent our entire dinner date scrolling on her phone
Pete, 40
“Mind the gap,” my friend Bill advised when I told him I was planning to date a woman ten years younger than me. Since my divorce a year ago I’ve been putting myself out there on dating apps while also accepting the odd blind date set-up from friends and allies. Ignoring Bill, I messaged Sophia, 30, online.
Sophia was really put together, educated and sexy. But I didn’t realise just how much my attitudes had changed since I last dated (at 26) until we went out to eat. She conducted small talk while scrolling on her phone. If I told her I thought baba ganoush originated in Lebanon she googled it to check. But it was how Sophia treated the waiters in restaurants that turned me off. She never said please or thank you.
“Can I get this without the sauce?” or “This needs warming up a little”, even “I need you to change this playlist” are all just about reasonable interventions but they sound horribly diva-ish without a please or thank you.
On one occasion I took her to a Michelin-starred restaurant where she complained that her steak had been cooked rare rather than medium-rare.
“I see I’m not the first person to raise this as an issue,” she told the waiter, actually scrolling through negative reviews of the restaurant on TripAdvisor.
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In my twenties I would have thought a young woman standing up for her consumer rights was great, sexy even. But I just don’t want to be with someone who, however hot, has such fixed expectations of how things should be. Our first few nights in bed together were great but after a while I could feel a potential “steak moment” between us. Was she about to hit pause and ask me to change the playlist?
And while I don’t expect please and thank you in the bedroom I like to feel my partner is at least “present” afterwards. Sophia just reached for her phone. If I’m being honest, I felt like a vending machine.
She sat down to our candlelit dinner and said, ‘Just to be clear, this is not a date’
Cosmo Landesman, 70
I’ve noticed some significant changes to the modern dating scene, which I first entered in 2014. Back then daters were more optimistic and hopeful of finding someone. Now, talk of date app fatigue and dating burnout is common. There’s an anti-app movement on the rise.
Whereas it used to be predominantly women complaining about men — how they were always late, never replying, gaslighting — now men are complaining about women for exactly the same things.
I know some men tend to overplay the difficulties of being a man on the modern dating scene but the real problem is that dating rules aren’t so clear any more. Men are genuinely confused. It’s not even clear when a date is a date. A woman recently said to me, as we sat down to a candlelit dinner, “Just to be clear, this is not a date.”
That’s strange, I thought. I’d asked her on a date and we were both dressed for a date. And at the end of the meal it was clear that she expected me to pick up the bill.
I’ve met other women like this. I call them date-deniers. They tell themselves they’re not out on a date, they’re just having a drink or a bite to eat. But I always feel that what they’re really saying is: under no circumstances will I have sex with you or fall in love with you. Don’t take it personally but you don’t earn enough money, you’re too old and you’re not famous enough.
Then there is the don’t-you-just-hate-dating dater. These are women who after so many romantic disappointments have quit dating but end up back in the game — just like me. They’re fed up and eager to share with you every little detail about the awful men they have met. But there’s only one topic more boring than your ex and that’s the horrors of your last few dates.
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She spent 20 minutes listing all the reasons she didn’t want to see me again
Marcus, 34
I had been seeing a girl for about six weeks when she made a whole song and dance about wanting to see me for a “chat”. I was really busy at work that week but made the effort to make the 45-minute journey across London. We met in the pub, where she proceeded to spend 20 minutes listing all the reasons she didn’t want to see me again, including that I didn’t answer her messages quickly enough and had offended her by saying I couldn’t see her on Wednesdays, when I play football after work. I just sat there thinking, why didn’t she just say all this on the phone and save me the journey?
She brought a friend and left me with a £225 bar bill
Sebastian, 39
I love good food and wine so I was quite pleased when I was approached on Hinge by a woman who said she was also a massive foodie. We messaged each other over a couple of weeks, sharing recommendations and getting a bit flirty, so I suggested we meet for a date at a new local wine bar that specialises in organic wines. I was a bit surprised when she turned up with her friend. Still, I decided it was a compliment that she wanted her friend to meet me too. We got through three quite expensive bottles, starting with a champagne, and also ordered some tapas bites. Then suddenly the women announced they had to go to a friend’s club night but, sorry, they couldn’t get me on the list, and were running late. I sort of politely said I’d get the bill, thinking they’d offer to split it or give me some cash. Instead they got up, saying their Uber had arrived and, so sorry, had to rush off. The bill was £225. After that evening, she totally ghosted me.
We planned a weekend away. Then she ghosted me
Cornelius Wilson, 34
I’ve been a bit burnt by dating recently. I was seeing a woman for six weeks. We planned a weekend in the Cotswolds — a sign, I thought, that things were going well. Everything was booked but out of nowhere she seemed to just change her mind about going. She completely fobbed me off, ignoring me. I heard she went with her sister instead. I later found out that she was seeing someone else. It didn’t feel good.
People say that men behave badly when it comes to dating, and of course I’m no angel, but in my experience women can be just as brutal. At my age there are a lot of options — the choice on apps is endless — and the experience is quite intense. You go on so many dates and everyone is constantly having conversations with other people, looking over their shoulder to see who might come along next. Nobody wants to commit early on.
The 27 or 28-year-old women I date are fine with casual relationships but among those my age, the pressure really feels like it’s on — everyone wants to settle down. I’m still looking for someone career-driven who gets on with my friends. I’ve had two friends this week tell me their wives are pregnant but I’m yet to find a serious partner.
There’s definitely an upside to dating — in some weeks I’m able to fit in at least one date, which is a fair amount given I work overseas most the time (I’m a pilot), so ultimately the chances are that I’ll find someone I love. The apps can be fun, but it’s a bit of a ruthless world out there.
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I was driving to meet a first date when she rang to ask about my relationship with my dad
Fidel Beauhill, 48
I’ve heard that when it comes to online dating, 80 per cent of women are attracted to the top 20 per cent of men. This is going to make me sound very arrogant but because I’m over 6ft, fairly photogenic and have a big smile, that puts me in that 20 per cent. If you’re single, financially viable and able to string a sentence together, it seems you’re a very rare commodity. I’m a dating coach and my inbox looks very different to those of the men I work with.
As a result, the bandwidth dating takes up is enormous — so much so that I’m one month into a self-imposed three-month dating ban. It’s a time for me to get to know myself and to get really clear on what I want out of my next relationship.
I get quite a lot of nice women who are interested in me but they put me on a pedestal, thinking, “Oh, I’ve finally found the one.” Either they want to get serious too quickly or, as is also common among female daters, they just bombard you with questions. It’s as though they need you to pass an exam to find out if you’re their perfect match.
I was on my way to a first date once when the woman called me to inquire what my relationship with my dad was like. I told her to bugger off, turned the car around and drove home.
I got divorced six years ago after 15 years with my ex-partner, and while I dated after divorce, things have really changed since lockdown. Now there’s a real callousness to it. People feel like they don’t owe you anything.
Once I’m ready, I’ll go back on the apps. I have a lifetime membership to Bumble premium, and pay for Tinder and Hinge. I have a thing about people just using the apps for free. To me, that’s a sign to yourself and the universe of how much you value your next relationship, and I want mine to be right.
I swiped right on hundreds of women and heard nothing
Sean Russell, 31
Men get a bad rap on dating apps and probably rightly so. But that doesn’t mean women are perfect. The numbers are in their favour, remember — there are far more men on the apps so the women are the ones with the power.
After a few months of being single, one lonely evening I succumbed and signed up to Hinge and Bumble but I soon realised that even if there were plenty of women on these apps, very few would match with me. I suppose it’s because I refused to pay for the premium services (I have to tell myself this or I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night) but I’d swipe right on hundreds and still nothing.
Even if you climb the mountain and get a match, it doesn’t mean you won’t just be ignored. Eventually a woman may message me and I would reply — then never hear from her again. Sometimes I’d hear from her weeks later: “Sorry I didn’t reply sooner.” Oh, don’t worry, all good, I’ve just been waiting by my phone and listening to the Smiths’ Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now on repeat.
Eventually I gave up and went out into the real world and had more luck there.
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A 19-year-old tried to sign me up to OnlyFans
Mark, 49
I downloaded dating apps for the first time three years after the end of my 17-year marriage and right away I hated it. It just felt completely unnatural.
I set my age range below 70, yet still had messages trickling in from septuagenarians (and some older than that), which made me feel guilty, like I should be responding so as not to hurt their feelings. Then there was the 19-year-old who was insistent that I joined her (paid-for) OnlyFans channel. It was almost certainly a scam but this is the range of people you get exposed to.
I met my ex-wife at work, when we were in our twenties. Back then you’d have a reasonable idea of who you were meeting, either because they might know your circle or live nearby. But now all you have to go on is how they sell themselves in a short bio and a few images.
There are so many apps that it can be hard to know where to start, and they’re expensive: I’ve paid about £500 in membership fees. I met my girlfriend on Elite Singles, which I’d never heard of before. (Unfortunately I’m still paying subscription costs to other apps, as many lock you in for six months at a time.) She lives 70 miles away, which is a bit of a pain, but it’s workable. Things definitely feel a lot more complex than they did 20 years ago.
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I’ve been on 74 dating app dates
Rob, 29
As someone who is looking for a long-term relationship after being single for two years, I’ve found it surprisingly challenging to meet people. The apps are noncommittal by nature and don’t match me with the right kind of woman. I’ve been on 74 dating app dates — yes, I counted — since I first tried one in 2019 and haven’t had any luck yet. They might show me someone I’m attracted to but then it becomes clear quite quickly that we’re incompatible.
I did meet one woman I really liked on Hinge once. She was intelligent, attractive and ambitious, which are all the things I’m looking for. We went on a few dates that were honestly some of the best I’ve ever had, even if she was a bit difficult to get hold of in between. After our fourth date, I got excited about the next one and immediately started texting her to arrange it. A week went by with no reply. I followed up with another text, which I never do, and she replied simply: “Hey, I’ve been thinking we shouldn’t see each other any more.” That was it: one line. It was absolutely brutal.
I’m taking a break to reset for a while before trying again. It’s exhausting.
I hooked up with one woman and then her friend slid into my DMs
James, 38
About a year ago I had just come out of a spectacularly volatile four-year relationship when I decided to try to meet someone new. I’ve never wanted to go down the dating app route, they just seem like some kind of Argos catalogue, so I’ve mostly relied on meeting people at parties or through friends.
There was one party when I met two women I got on well with. They were clearly close friends but I clicked with one more than the other — let’s call her Maggie. We got together and kissed at the party. Still, I continued chatting to her friend — we’ll call her Alice — asking her polite questions about what she did for work and what films she enjoyed.
The next day Alice messaged me on Instagram, asking me to go for a drink. I was pretty surprised, not just because I absolutely wasn’t flirting with her but also because she would have seen me kissing Maggie, whom I immediately told about Alice asking me out. Maggie was angry and told me she and Alice also had a romantic history of their own. I decided to walk away from that situation and leave them to it.
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She told me women feel pressure to have sex if men pay the bill on a date. So I suggested we split it. She pulled a face
Tom, 29
I met a girl at a party whom I had seen on Hinge before, and she suggested we meet for dinner. I invited her to Trullo, a smart Italian restaurant in Islington, north London. Halfway through the meal she told me she was seeing someone and so wouldn’t be sleeping with me — not that I had even suggested that. But I did think, why is she here if she is seeing someone else? She also said that women felt pressure to have sex if men paid the bill on a date, so I suggested we split it. Then, when the bill actually came and she saw the amount, £120, she kind of pulled a face, so I paid. That was the end of that.
The date went really well — then I got the same old line
Timothy, 27
I have had pretty pleasant dating experiences on the whole. The only small issue is a line I’ve heard over and over. It goes something like, “I had a great time but I’ve realised I’m not in the right place at the moment” or “I’m not over someone else yet” when messaging after a first date. I usually interpret this as a softer way of saying no to things going any further, which is obviously fine. But it’s happened a couple of times when I’ve felt the date went really well and they’ve said in person that they’d like to meet again. It leaves you slightly confused. You aren’t sure if it’s just a straight no or whether it could mean “it would be a yes if I was in the right place”… which might make you think it could work sometime in the future. To be honest, saying no more plainly would be kinder.
Interviews by Charlotte Lytton, Michael Odell and Olivia Petter
Some names have been changed
