How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been at odds over something since we’ve been together.
She gets especially horny during her period and wants sex. The idea of doing it while she has that going on sickens me. With the exceptions of when she was pregnant, every month it’s been the same thing when that week rolls around: the demands, my refusals, and the accusations that I’m “not a real man.” How can I get through to her that this is off the table for me once and for all?
—Counting the Days Until Menopause
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Jessica Stoya: Until basically the very end of this letter, I read this as just a difficult situation. But now the accusations that the writer is not a real man make me feel like we need to go through the domestic abuse checklist.
Rich Juzwiak: That stuck out to me, too. This could’ve just remained a disagreement, and if she’s really horny, it makes sense that she’s gunning for sex. But she’s escalating this to a place where it doesn’t need to go.
Jessica: Are there other aspects of the relationship where his character is being denigrated? Are there other points of conflict where she resorts to that level of language? That’s a horrible thing to say to a person. Is this something that only the wife is doing? Is there some reason that she can’t get a dildo and take care of this herself? Is she just refusing to do it, or is our letter writer, for some reason, saying sex can only happen with him?
Rich: Right. I don’t love his language: “The idea of doing it while she has that going on sickens me.” But people are imprecise, and not everyone is a writer. Just to be totally clear, it is reasonable to say, “I don’t want sex” for any reason. It might hurt the person. It might not be fair in the grand cosmic scheme of things, but he’s allowed to not want period sex.
This has been happening for the duration of their relationship. If that was a deal-breaker for her, she had that responsibility to say, “Actually, that’s a deal-breaker. I need this. We have to figure out something else. It doesn’t have to be with you.” So I just want to be clear that I’m not necessarily that concerned with his taste here. That’s neither here nor there to me. It’s the resulting product of that and the dysfunction that is the issue.
Jessica: They were likely having sex before they got married. Most people nowadays have sex before they get married. So a quick PSA: If you’re noticing this disconnect before marriage, work that out before you’re legally tied to each other. And if you’re a person who’s going to stay celibate until marriage, if there’s a sex thing that is really a thing that you’re able to be aware of, try to find a way to mention that.
The letter writer’s “sickens” language is pretty hard to hear because of the way people usually mean it. But there are so many people in the world who have a really hard time with blood. I’ve known a few women who menstruate, who are so disgusted by blood that changing a tampon a few times a day when they have their period is a whole emotional ordeal for them. It might be that the blood in general actually makes him sick. But this all could’ve been communicated before they got married.
Rich: It also makes me wonder what their sex is like otherwise? Is it otherwise harmonious, or is there this contentiousness? Are there insults and negativity associated with sex outside of his general refusal? It’s definitely a good time to take a survey. You have to weigh everything. If you’re fighting one week out of the month, but you have three good weeks, that’s one thing. But if this is just part of a bigger picture of arguing over sex, you have to start to wonder what you can do more holistically for the relationship.
Jessica: It’s also if everything’s harmonious for the first half to two-thirds of her cycle, and then it’s horrific in multiple ways, there’s the possibility that there might be some premenstrual dysphoric disorder happening. That does not in any way make her behavior acceptable. But if that is the context, then that might be a point where intervention could happen. If he sees that pattern, approach her really gently and choose the time wisely. In the same way that saying menstrual blood sickens a person, any statement that boils down to, I think your period makes you crazy—
Rich: Is not going to work.
Jessica: Yeah. But if there is a pattern of the cycle causing actual psychological distress, then there are sometimes ways to effectively treat it and at least make it easier to control those behaviors. I’m saying all this because I’m wary of getting anyone’s hopes up. It’s a hard thing to figure out how to treat effectively. We’re talking about women’s hormones and mental health together. It’s not super well understood. But it’s worth attempting. Her accusations are not sustainable. And menopause might be a long way away.
Rich: In the short-term, you have to keep doing what you’re doing, and at a certain point, just say, “I’m not going to fight about it, I’m just not going to do it,” and keep not doing it. That doesn’t mean that you’re not going to receive wrath as a result. And then if this problem is insurmountable, they need counseling.
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