Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My mother gave everything to take care of my sister and her three kids, from taking care of them while my sister went to school to cashing out her 401k to buy them a house. Only now that the money well has dried up, they don’t bother to call or visit, despite living less than an hour away. I had to take my mother in, and it kills me to see her get her hopes up of seeing her grandchildren who can’t even bother to spare a single afternoon to see their grandmother. Worse, my sister sees nothing wrong with it. Her attitude is that her kids are “just busy” and our mother has too high expectations of them. They are all in their mid-twenties.
Last time, all three promised to come by for Sunday dinner, only for none of them to show up, and only one of them bothered to call and cancel. Our mother had an entire feast made only for it to be eaten by me and our next-door neighbor. Every time a car passed on the street, my mother would perk up and look out the window hoping it was one of the kids. My mother went to bed early saying she was tired and when I passed by her room, I heard her crying. This broke me, and I later called my sister to ask her what the hell was wrong with her offspring. She got defensive and asked me what I thought she could possibly do about the situation. I told her if these were my kids I would be dragging them over by the hair to apologize to their grandmother and beat them bloody if they didn’t. She called me disgusting and violent, and I called her and her kids leeches. She hung up and blocked my number. This has been her tried and true practice for years now.
My sister has made a career of playing the “poor single mom” card while living off our parents for years. It drove our dad into an early grave and left our mother with nothing. I am so furious and sick that I could spit nails. I don’t know how to comfort my mother. Her entire life was her kids and then her grandkids. She turns 90 this year.
—Son in Southern California
Dear Son,
This is heartbreaking. But your anger isn’t helping the situation. You don’t bully and shame people into being loving. I can think of two things that might help improve things for your mom.
First, forget about the money. Yes, your mom spent a lot to support your sister. But she gave because she wanted to, not because they entered into a contract to exchange financial support for time and affection. Even if they did, that contract wouldn’t be enforceable against her kids, who had no say in their mother going to school or their grandmother cashing out her 401k.
Second, try to address your rage over the situation. It’s not helping you, it’s not motivating your sister, and it’s probably taking a toll on your mood and interfering with some of the love and joy you want your mom to have. I know she would rather have an hour of quality time with you than hear you threaten violence over the phone. Plus, caregiving is difficult and being pissed off all the time will only make it harder. Therapy and a support group for people in similar roles might give you a lot of relief.
Third, talk to your niblings directly. Hard as it will be, don’t shame them or revisit what they’ve done wrong. Your message should be about how much it would mean to their grandmother to see them. Ask to make another plan at a time they’re sure they can commit to, gently reminding them that while their lives are full of many people and obligations, hers has become pretty small and a meal with them will be the highlight of her week or even month.
Finally, look around to see who is or could be a steady, enjoyable presence for your mom. Young adults who live an hour away are not going to be your best bet when it comes to companionship for her. That neighbor who came to the disastrous dinner, for example, is someone who is close by and willing to show up. Can you make a standing weekly plan with him or her? And are there any others who might be looking for connection just like your mom is? Someone from church or an old friend or a more distant relative who’s around the same age? There are even volunteer organizations that pair people with seniors for regular visits.
Recruiting some additional support will help lift your mom’s spirits and also save you from the awful feeling that you’re the only one who cares.
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Dear Prudence,
My wife and I recently downsized to a 55-plus community after our youngest moved to Europe. I still work part-time for my company and my wife has always been a homemaker. We always talked about what we would see or do once the kids left the nest—except now my wife refuses to do anything! We have a community garden, language and art lessons, so many social clubs you can shake a stick at it and hit one you never heard of, and a community center that has something going every night. I’ve joined a podcast, taken a leather making course, and taken up swimming. My wife sits at home in her PJs and plays a farming simulation on her iPad. She will not take any action to make friends no matter how I encourage her and if I drag her out for couples’ night, she barely speaks and looks bored.
She complains she misses the kids and our old friends, but when I tried to arrange a visit with our oldest friends, she didn’t want them to come because the house was a mess and she wasn’t feeling up to it. At this, I said she needed to see her doctor and we would get a part-time house cleaner. My wife actually cried and shouted at me that I was insulting her! I said I wasn’t but that there was something very wrong with her. Even when we are staying home, we don’t even talk. We sit in front of the TV eating frozen dinners because my wife isn’t “up” to cooking and doesn’t want me to do it.
I feel trapped. We had plans for our life and my wife was so excited when we moved here, and now it feels like a life sentence in solitary. Our 40-year anniversary is coming up, and everything I suggest, like going on a family trip to visit our child overseas, gets a halfhearted shrug. I am at a loss what to do, but I can’t spend the rest of my life living like this.
—Not So Golden Years Anymore
Dear Not So Golden,
If this doesn’t line up with the general mood and temperament that your wife has had her entire life, you’re absolutely right that she should see a doctor (and a therapist) and look into whether depression may be shaping her outlook on her new life. Unfortunately, you already suggested something similar and got yelled at, which makes this really tough.
Why don’t you try again, without the “there’s something wrong with you” angle. I promise it will not be motivating or inspiring for her to hear another lecture about the gap between the number of activities available to her and her interest in participating in them. She’s not taking a pass on co-hosting the 55+ podcast or planning an overseas trip because she’s being stubborn. It’s likely because her mental state means these things don’t sound fun or enjoyable in the way they do to you. That’s cause to have empathy for her, not to nag her into becoming more active.
So you’ll want to say something more like, “You have had to deal with a lot of changes and it’s not surprising that it’s taken a toll on you,” or “I love you, you’re not yourself lately, and you deserve to feel better.” Maybe you could recruit your kids and her friends—the people she misses so much—to join you in the nudging. If that’s not effective, continue doing the things you love, stop dragging her to things, and try to accept that at least for now, she’s not able to be the active and social person you both imagined she would be at this point in your retirement. That’s sad, but you only make it sadder by adding nagging and guilt trips to her life.
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Dear Prudence,
I am a mildly conservative Christian woman, and my adult daughter is a left-leaning atheist. Recently, it’s come to my attention that she is dating a woman. I’ve never really had the issue with the gays that other Christians have, but I feel unsettled that my daughter would hide this from me. I would obviously support her if they were to, say, get married, but I feel afraid that it will negatively affect her life and she’ll feel lonely without children. On her social media accounts, she talks about how she’s bisexual, and I don’t see why she would choose to be with a woman and lonely when she could still be with a man. Should I bring this up to her?
—No Empty Nesters
Dear Empty Nesters,
You want your daughter to be happy, and I’m glad to hear you can imagine supporting her if she marries a woman. We have something to work with here. But I think I know why you’ve only learned indirectly about her sexuality and this relationship, instead of hearing from her—and why you’re distant enough that the lines of communication, at least about this issue, aren’t open.
It’s because there’s a lot of room between “I’ve never really had any issue with the gays” and “I fully embrace and celebrate who my daughter is and I’ll learn from her and follow her lead.” You need to try to move from being less bigoted than some other Christians, to having a deep understanding of her approach to love, and expressing curiosity until you get there. This will make you less unsettled, and it will also make you into someone from whom she doesn’t hide things.
Instead of trying to nudge your daughter toward being with a man (which, it’s important to remember, can also go poorly and leave people lonely and hurt in many ways) because you’re worried that dating women will lead to sadness, set a different goal, based on the same care and concern for her: Aim to make sure your relationship is solid enough that you are a source of love and joy for her, no matter what happens. After all, it’s much easier for you to manage that connection than to direct her romantic partnerships.
To get closer to her and ensure that you’re an important person in her life, try switching your angle from making suggestions about who she should love, to asking questions and trying to understand her experience better. Here’s a script to get things started:
“I learned from Facebook that you’re bisexual and heard through the grapevine that you’re dating a woman. I can probably guess why you didn’t share that with me. Even though I support people dating whoever they want and I’ve never thought of myself as homophobic, I know my understanding of anything related to LGBTQ+ issues is very 101. I’ve probably said some things that were offensive or ignorant that made you feel uncomfortable with opening up to me. I’m so sorry about that and I want you to know that my goal is to become someone you can talk to about anything, and who makes you feel loved no matter what. I have a lot to learn to get there but I’m committed. Would you be willing to help me?”
Classic Prudie
I just moved in with my boyfriend of eight months. This is quicker than I’d normally move in with someone, but I had problems with an awful landlord, and my boyfriend had just bought a house. Things have been going really well, except for one issue. My boyfriend’s hobby is woodworking, and he plans to furnish the house exclusively with pieces he builds himself. He’s really talented, but has limited time due to a demanding job, so one piece can take him months. In the meantime, we are going without a lot of furniture: sleeping on a mattress on the floor, eating dinner on the floor, etc. I offered to pay for secondhand furniture to use until he finishes replacements, but my boyfriend claims that living with substandard furniture will “pollute (his) imagination.”
