Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

I have always considered myself fairly financially responsible. I put a lot in my savings, keep a minimal amount in my checking, track my budget, etc. I also have a bit of anxiety around spending money—just your general Catholic, Southern guilt associated with Enjoying Things.

And then I got scammed. In the middle of a very busy work day, I got a fraud alert text from my bank and then got called from a number that mimicked the first six digits of my bank’s normal number. It sounded so official and normal—they knew my name!—and told me that a Zelle fraud had occurred and I had to transfer the Zelle money to my email address to get it out of processing. I did that and they told me it would take a couple hours to get back in my account. No money showed up in my account, so I called my bank, and they said it look like it was coming back to me by morning. At no point in this conversation did they think anything was amiss. Then, when I called back in the morning, they said the money had processed to a different bank. That’s when we realized I had been scammed. They immediately walked me through filing a claim and gave me info to file a report. They said it was likely I will get my money back, but not certain, and that it could take up to 90 days to resolve it.

I’m lucky that I have savings and losing this money isn’t destroying my life, though it’s definitely like a bomb went off. How do I keep this from happening in the future? And how do I stop feeling like the dumbest person in the world? I feel so irresponsible, foolish, embarrassed, and ashamed.

—Dumb Scammed Baby

Dear Scammed,

First of all, you are not dumb! Scams happen all the time, to people from all walks of life. Would you call all those successful businesspeople who gave Elizabeth Holmes millions when she was supposedly inventing ground-breaking medical equipment “dumb”? Exactly!

There is no way I can guarantee you that you will not fall victim to another scam, but I can share some tips so you can spot one more easily. First, your bank will never call you to request personal information, such as your social security number, bank account number or security code, birthdate, email, or address. They will, however, send you text messages if that’s how you’ve set up your account to receive alerts. It may be regarding a withdrawal amount or asking if you authorized a purchase. Usually, it’s just you replying yes or no. If it’s ever more than that, go to your bank’s website, look up the contact number, and call that number to see what’s going on.

Scammers tend to be urgent when asking for a request, such as sensitive information, a security code, or a money transfer, but a legitimate bank representative won’t mind if you say you’ll call back at the number found on the bank website. Always ask for their contact information, including name and extension. If it’s something such as an account in collections, ask that they send everything to you in writing. Never agree to a money transfer or buying a gift card. (The r/scams subreddit is a good resource to search, too.) If something feels off, trust your gut.

—Athena Valentine

From: My Daughter Stole $127,000 From My Son’s Wrongful Death Settlement. (July 19th, 2021).

Dear Pay Dirt,

My youngest son will be 18 in August. He is failing school and constantly lies. He recently quit a job he could walk to from home because he said he wasn’t going to be anyone’s slave. I am frustrated with his not caring and doing whatever he wants, including always getting high. He comes and goes as he pleases, even when he should be in his room attending school. I struggle with my responsibility to him after he turns 18. I’m a single mom approaching retirement soon. I want to take him to the nearest military recruiter and have him sign up. I’m at a loss here. What’s my obligation?

—Totally Frustrated

Dear Totally Frustrated,

I completely understand your frustration. It sounds like your son is having trouble accepting that he has certain responsibilities and doesn’t want to grow up. (Luckily for your son—and the military—you can’t just enlist other people, but he probably does need more structure and discipline.)

You need to talk to him directly about the impending issues and set expectations and boundaries now. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be ready to fly the coop by August, but you can give him a time frame for starting to achieve some kind of independence. This can include a timeline for having to contribute to rent and expenses if he intends to continue living with you, or a deadline for applying to school (which, in his case, may be something like a shorter program with a vocational school if he hates academic work). Emphasize to him that you cannot afford to subsidize him indefinitely and that nearly everyone has to do work they don’t like to earn money at some point in their lives. But it doesn’t have to be drudgery forever. There are a number of nonprofits that do career counseling for high school students to help them figure out what they want to do, and they often very explicitly focus on people who are disillusioned with school and resistant to the demands of adult life because they just don’t know how to navigate it. Your son’s school can probably recommend some specific resources.

And that may be the case with your son. If he’s struggling at school, he probably doesn’t have very many models of what he’s supposed to do afterward. If his friends are all punting on these questions, it exacerbates the problem because he likely thinks it’s normal. So inasmuch as you can do anything yourself, finding ways to set up structure for him that ease him into these transitions will make it less painful for everyone. If he wants to continue to live under your roof, he needs to come up with a plan for supporting himself within a specified period of time and note that you can help him find resources to do that. And appeal to his desire to do what he wants: If he is supporting himself, he has total freedom and decision-making authority over how he spends his time and money.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: I Think My Dad Stole My Inheritance. (July 21th, 2021).

More Money Advice From Slate

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14. Since having our three kids (the oldest is going to be 8), I have been a stay-at-home mom. My husband has always been financially abusive. We used to have a shared account, but he would only put money in it if I asked. He would put in the exact amount, and it could only be for certain things like groceries and sometimes clothing for the children. Two years ago, we were going through some hardships in which my husband not only cheated on me but filed for a divorce, closed the shared account, and cut me off completely—financially and otherwise.

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