How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband has been after me to do something in bed that I find completely unappealing.
He wants to alternate between penetrating me and having me blow him back and forth. I find the prospect gross. He’s seen this in a lot of porn and has made it his mission to convince me to do it. The other night, we were going at it, and when we changed positions, I turned around to find his penis in my face. I immediately got up and left the room. He spent the rest of the next day sulking and accused me of kink shaming him. How can I get it across to him that this is off the table for me, in a way that won’t require me to sleep in the guest room?
—Not After Where It’s Been
Dear Not After Where It’s Been,
Though there isn’t the same kind of health risk involved in going from vagina to mouth as there is ass to mouth (bacteria like e coli live in the anus), you don’t need a reason to find any particular sex act unappealing and not want to do it. Your husband’s request just doesn’t speak to you. I don’t imagine that any convincing will change your mind, and that’s totally fine. Dig in your heels. He’ll see over time that he’s not getting anywhere, and hopefully, that will be enough to deter him. If not, let him sulk.
You should be as direct as possible here: “I’m really not into that, and it’s not going to happen.” If you’re down for oral and then vaginal, in that order, remind him that he’s still getting the elements that he wants, just not necessarily in the order that he wants. We can’t have everything, but he’s getting a lot as it is. You should also remind him that his persistence is not going to pay off, and in fact, may only repel you further. Gentle but firm is the tonal balance to strike. It sounds like he’s trying to have fun, but badgering and coercion take things out of the fun zone real fast.
One last note: What you wrote in your letter does not strike me as kink-shaming. Refusing to perform an act isn’t inherently shaming the person who requested said act; it’s advocating for yourself. If you did anything not included in the letter that could be construed as kink-shaming, you should own up to it and maybe apologize. He’s allowed to be into what he is, just like you’re allowed to not be into it.
—Rich
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